Incandescent
by TheDrunkenWerewolf
Summary: standalone 2 part story. Gin compares his relationship with Aizen to fairy lights. Heirverse brainstorm result that I'm not sure will make the final cut but I wanted to share anyway.
1. Chapter 1

Summary – standalone 2 part story. Gin compares his relationship with Aizen to fairy lights. Heirverse brainstorm result that I'm not sure will make the final cut but I wanted to share anyway.

Business: I only own Cherry.

A/n: I was feeling a bit under the weather so I wrote this. Inspired by Meltberrys song with the same name.

Notes: I'm the bastard that wrote Decimated and Crystalline. So this will probably wreck you. Mild depression references. Insecure Gin. No homework reading required.

Enjoy.

* * *

**Incandescent**

Gin closed the door to his room slowly, and dragged himself to the bed to sit. Only when he was comfortable, did the tears come. Something inside him broke, and the dam burst, and his body forced all the sadness out of him in shakes and sobs.

Gods he felt pathetic.

Gods his chest hurt. His heart hurt and felt heavy – far heavier than he could carry. It'd exceeded the weight limit his body could tolerate, and now his body was breaking down, too.

He sniffled softly, careful not to be too loud, and wiped his nose with the back of his hand.

Aizen didn't want him. Hell, why would he when there were other people – _so many _other people – who were better. Who were strong, confident, talented. Everything he was not.

No wonder Aizen preferred the company of others. Particularly Kisuke Urahara. Who, again, was everything he was not. And Gin would be lying if he said it didn't sting. Because it did sting. It stung a _lot._

He sniffed again and wiped his eyes. Still crying. Still hurting. Still feeling so inferior. His pet fox, Cherry, crept quietly over to him and lay on his lap, hoping to comfort him. She did, but only a little. Still, it was nice to not be completely alone tonight. Especially when he demons in his head were hissing and taunting him.

_You're not good enough,_ one voice teased.

_Why would he ever want you? _

_What can you possibly offer that's worth his interest?_

On and on and on. Seemingly without end.

He sighed heavily, moving to flick the switch of the lights strung out over the walls above his bed. And the soft, incandescent lights lit up the dark room in reds, blues, greens, yellows and pinks.

Fairy lights. Like the ones you'd put on a christmas tree. One of the few things in the world that made him happy.

He smiled very softly as he looked at them. If only he could make his Sousuke light up the way those fairy lights did.

He closed his eyes as he thought about it. Sousuke's smile so wide. His eyes burning so bright, like little rays of light. Happy. Bright. Like the sun. like fairy lights.

In the real world, it was a smile he saw so very rarely, but it was those rare smiles he lived for.

_I want you to smile like that for me **all** the time, _Gin thought. _I want you to keep me alive, with that smile that's a lot like sunlight. _

_Illuminate me like those fairy lights igniting._

Gin opened his eyes again, and his dream of Sousuke smiling brightly evaporated away. Leaving the softly lit room in its place. The fairy lights still glowing their many colours.

Fairy lights. A perfect analogy of his and Sousuke's relationship if ever there was one. Those lights were soft, pretty, colourful. But only when Gin flicked the switch. Only when he did all the work, all the prompting.

Their love was like string of fairy lights. Bright, colourful. But ultimitely artificial. Emitting light, but no actual heat.

Just like Sousuke. Pretty to look at, but no real warmth to speak of. Except on very rare occasions.

And it made him feel so small and insignificant he burst into tears again. Feeling them roll down his cheeks, hot and thick, as he tried to breathe.

At least he was alone when he fell apart. When the part of his brain that was a little bitch decided to wake up and play.

_Wow, you're **really **pathetiv, _it sneered. _No wonder he fakes it when he's with you. _And then it laughed and left Gin with that thought.

He pressed his lips together and tensed, trying to pull himself back together again. To glue back the pieces into something resembling himself. Or who he used to be. Whoever that was.

But it was hard. His heart was in so many pieces. His confidence was shattered. And he had no idea how to put either of those back together again. Maybe they were just parts of him that would never be whole again. Maybe that was why he wasn't good enough. Nobody wanted damaged goods, did they? No-one in the shop picked out the cracked mug and put it in their trolley thinking, 'yes, this is the one for me'. Did they?

No. they didn't. And Aizen Sousuke was no exception.

He'd made that obvious when he'd flaunted his preference for Kisuke Urahara's company. Leaving Gin standing like the unwanted vacuum salesman. The awkward third wheel.

Leaving Gin to seek comfort from fibre optic filaments, unable to feel anything at all apart from dejection and loneliness. Surrounded by a set of string lights that gave off about as much warmth and light as Sousuke did. Which is to say, not much. Because the light Aizen gave out was the same. Was all illusion. Light tricks and bokeh. And no matter what Gin did for him, that wouldn't change.

And knowing that made Gin's heart _**hurt. **_

Because even though he knew none of it was real, a part of him still wanted Sousuke sitting here with him.

He wondered what Aizen would think of the pretty fairy lights. His feelings, like the little lights, blinking and flickering occasionally like a fire. Not hot or bright, but there. Flckering. Like a small candle. Like a fairy light, tinted blue.

Well, he felt like a blue, anyway. Just listening to the buzz of the electric lights, and thinking _I'm not enough. Never enough. _

_Not for you, not for anyone. _

_How could someone like me **ever** be enough?_

He sniffed again, and knew more heartache was imminent. It was in the empty, hollowed out feeling in his chest. It was in the way his heart beat, carrying pain with every thump. It was in the way his body tensed in a vain attempt to not cry.

But he cried anyway, and Cherry nosed him in sympathy. Her nose warm against his cold hand.

After a few moments of quiet crying, Gin heard a few soft knocks on the door.

"Gin?" Rangiku called out to him gently. "Are you okay?"

He sniffed again. Wiped his nose. "No," he said.

"Wanna talk about it?"

"Not really," he answered.

_How can I sit there and tell you how little he thinks of me? I can't. I'm humiliated enough. _

He waited, unmoving, and heard her sigh heavily. Defeated.

"Alright," she said. "You know where I am if you change your mind."

"I know," he said, and he sat listening to her shuffling away again. Grateful for the peace. He could lick his wounds in private. Suffer his humiliation in solitude. In silence.

Because part of him knew he deserved this. Part of him had known this would happen, and he'd gotten involved anyway. Like a fool.

And like a fool, he'd actually believed he'd moved up in Aizen's world. Apparently he was wrong. He'd believed Aizen actually cared about him. _Clearly _he was wrong.

But then, it had always been this way. Hadn't it?

It had always been Gin doing all the running, all the work, all the scrambling to keep up right from the start. It had been a game, and Gin had failed dismally at playing it.

And now he was paying the price for even playing in the first place. Paying in tears and heartbreak.

He might have believed that Sousuke was his sun. but he was a winter sun. and their love was like the string of multicoloured fairy lights around him. Bright, pretty, colourful. But ultimately artificial. Emitting light, but no actual heat.


	2. Chapter 2

a/n- back again to crush you with feels with the comfort part of the hurt/comfort of this. Emotions abound in this.

[part 2]

Aizen stood outside the restaurant and lit up his third cigarette of the night. He was really supposed to be quitting, but old habits died hard. And his body craved the nicotine too much, especially when life got stressful. He took a deep drag of the freshly lit cigarette and blew out the smoke into the chill autumn air. Letting his body relax and his anxiety loosen.

Cigarettes were good at calming him down. Of course, Gin was always better at that than the cigarettes. But Gin hated it when he smoked, saying something about those little fire sticks killing him one day. But as far as Sousuke was concerned, if they were all going to die in the end anyway they might as well enjoy life while they could.

But still. He should probably quit the cigs. They weren't good for him. And besides, Gin didn't like them.

Speaking of Gin though... where _was_ he? Gin was supposed to meet him here about twenty minutes ago. Aizen took another deep, long drag from his cigarette.

_It's not like him to be late, _he thought.

_Or maybe he stood you up, _the voice in his head chimed. _If anyone deserves to get stood up, it's __**you.**_

Aizen sighed. _I doubt he's stood me up, _he thought back. _I'm sure there's a logical, reasonable explanation for why he's late._

The voice snorted. _Ha! Yeah, like I said. Him dumping you and being too cowardly to say it to your face._

Aizen didn't rise to the rather obvious bait. _Are you always this much of an asshole?_

_Yes._

Aizen sighed again. There was really no point arguing with it. It wouldn't listen. He knew Gin wouldn't just not show up without a very good reason to.

_Maybe he's taken ill, _Kyouka offered.

_Maybe,_ Aizen thought. _Only one way to find out._

_. . ._

He walked through the busy town streets until he came to a payphone. He slipped inside the booth and searched his pockets for loose change. Luckily he had enough. He pushed the coins into the slot and dialled the number; he knew it by heart now, he'd called it so many times.

He held the phone receiver to his ear and listened to it ring through. Waiting for someone on the other end to pick up. When the answering "Hello," came, he stood up a little straighter and put on his best smile. Even though they couldn't see it.

"Hello, is Gin there?"

. . .

Gin had already turned the fairy lights off and fallen asleep when Rangiku trudged back to his bedroom again, so he was gently woken by her hand shaking his shoulder.

"Gin," she called to him, "Gin, wake up."

He groaned and tried to hide even further under the duvet, where it was warm and he didn't have to interact with anyone.

"Told ya I don' wanna talk 'bout it," he mumbled, voice muffled by the duvet.

"That's fine," Rangiku told him. "But what do I say to Aizen? Because he's on the phone asking for you. He said something about being late for dinner. Were you supposed to meet him?"

"Tell him I'm not here," Gin said. "No, tell him I'm sick and really contagious so he won't come over."

He heard her sigh again. "Okay, I'll tell him. Though I really think you should talk to him."

"Thanks, Ran."

And then she left him in peace again.

. . .

Rangiku walked back into the living room and picked up the phone receiver from where she'd left it on the coffee table.

"Hello," she said. "Yeah. He said to tell you he's really sick and really contagious so don't come over."

A pause.

"Yeah, I don't believe it either."

She stood and listened for a few moments, and then laughed softly. "Yeah, I thought as much," she smiled. "I'll have a pot of tea waiting for you. I think you should see him."

. . .

It was some time later that he knocked on the door, carrying a bag of chicken soup cant, fruits, grapes, and of course, chocolate for when Gin was feeling better. He couldn't make Rukon stew – he didn't have the recipe and Gin guarded that viciously – but he could make soup.

_Psh, I don't know why you even bother. You know he's just faking being sick, right? Because he can't stand being around you. _The voice in his head sneered at him. Aizen ignored it as best he could and stood up straighter.

_Yeah, keep ignoring me. **That'll** make me go away._

He waited a little longer and Rangiku answered the door. He smiled, lifting up the bag of stuff.

"I heard he was sick."

Rangiku smiled. "Oh, you sweet man. Come on in. I made tea."

She walked back inside and Aizen followed her in. when they entered the kitchen, she offered him a mug of freshly brewed tea.

"Gin told me how you like it," she smiled.

"Thankyou," he said, setting his bag down and taking the mug from her, sipping the tea slowly.

"So where is he?" he asked.

"Asleep," Rangiku answered. "He's been in his room all night. He seemed pretty upset. Did you guys have a fight?"

"No, not that I know of," Sousuke mused. "I don't think I said anything to upset him, anyway."

"Hm. Strange." Rangiku looked thoughtful for a moment.

"We were supposed to meet up for dinner tonight, but when he didn't show up I got worried." Sousuke told her. It was the truth. But the voice was already ridiculing him for telling it.

_Yeah, worried 'caue you're a pussy,_ it jeered. Aizen ignored it. It was easy to ignore it when it was all petty insults and weak jabs. He'd dealt with enough of those growing up in the Rukongai Districts for them to lose their effect on him. It didn't stop the voice from trying, though.

"Of course you're worried," Rangiku smiled warmly. "You love him."

_Yes, _the voice hissed. _You love him because you're **weak!**_

_Now _the voice was beginning to piss Aizen off, but he didn't let it show. He didn't get where he was today by showing his hand through a readable face, after all.

_Oh. did I strike a **nerve** there, Sousuke? _It asked, mocking him. Laughing.

Aizen resisted the urge to tell it to shut up. Doing that would only prove its point. He had to be calm. An oasis of calm amidst a desert storm. Anything else would give the voice an advantage. And on principle, he refused to give it one.

"Of course," he smiled back at Rangiku. "What's not to love?"

Rangiku's smile turned tender at that, and so did his own.

_Oh, a lot of things,_ the voice said, feigning casual discussion. _Shall I list them?_

"You should go see him," Rangiku told him. "I'm sure he'll be glad to see you, despite what he says. I know he's been feeling a bit under the weather lately."

"That was my plan," Aizen smiled. "Last door on the left, right?"

She laughed softly and shook her head. "Oh come on, don't pretend you don't know where his room is. Gods know you spend enough time in there."

Sousuke laughed. "You know me too well."

"Just get going."

"Alright, alright. But I'm taking in a mug of tea for him when I go in."

"I made a pot ready for you," Rangiku told him, a smile on her lips.

He smiled back at her. "You know me too well," he chuckled.

. . .

Gin's eyes flickered open slowly, like the dying embers of a fire. When had he fallen asleep? He couldn't remember. Oh well. It wasn't like it mattered. When had anything he'd ever done mattered?

He groaned softly and felt Cherry curled up in his arms. A soft white ball of fluff against his ribs. Still sound asleep. Gin smiled a little as she sighed in her sleep and he stroked her fur gently. She was so soft and warm... he was glad he'd brought her home that day.

Okay, this one thing he'd done had mattered.

He lay curled up in bed for an indeterminate amount of time, abscentmindedly stroking her fur. So absorbed in the repetitive, soothing action that he didn't notice the door open. Didn't hear the 'click' of the doorhandle. If he had, he would have hidden back under the duvet.

"Gin?" called an all too familiar voice, and Gin froze, clutching onto Cherry. Apparently there _was_ no end to his humiliation.

"Gin, are you alright?"

Gin thought about hiding, but he knew it was too late now. No doubt Aizen had come to demand why he hadn't shown up for their date.

"I heard you were feeling under the weather," Aizen continued gently, walking further into the room. When Gin didn't respond, he moved towards the bed.

"I brought you tea," he said, smiling.

"Thanks," Gin answered. "But why're you here?"

Aizen sat on the bed next to him. "When you didn't show up for dinner, I got worried. I wanted to make sure you were okay."

Gin shrugged at that. "Well, as you can see, I'm fine, so..." he reached for the mug of tea and took a sip of it to prove his point, but Aizen didn't look like he believed him at all.

"Are you sure?" Aizen asked. "Because it's okay if you're not. And you know you can talk to me about things."

Gin hesitated for a moment. "It's just..." he sighed. "Do you even like me?"

Aizen blinked, a little surprised. "What kind of question is this? Of course I like you. I like you a lot. In fact, you're my _favourite_ person."

Gin's shoulders sagged. "Why?"

"Oh," Sousuke smiled softly, reaching a hand up to stroke Gin's hair. "Lots of reasons."

"So howcome ya spend so much time with..." Gin paused, hesitating again. "Others. Am I not good enough?"

"That's not it," Aizen said gently.

"I mean, it's okay if I'm not." Gin continued, sniffling a little. "I mean, who's want _me,_ right? I'm a nobody. Nothing."

Sousuke sat on the bed beside him, quiet for a moment. As if he were thinking of what to say. For the right words to say. Probably trying to come up with a way to let him down gently when he dumped him.

But what he said next was completely unexpected.

"Well," Sousuke said, smiling so very warmly at him he may as well have been Helios himself. He squeezed Gin's cold hand in his warm one and the warmth of the gesture started to spread through Gin's whole body. "Even if you're a nobody, **I**think you're pretty great."

Gin gripped the mug handle in the hand that wasn't being held very tightly at that, and his chest tightened along with his grip. And more tears rolled down his cheeks as he just crumbled, unable to believe it.

_He thinks I'm great,_ his mind echoed, and his pain loosened some of its hold on him. So he repeated the thought over and over until it loosened enough so he could breathe again.

"Really?" Gin sniffed.

Sousuke smiled tenderly at him. "Really," he said. Gently taking the mug of tea off Gin and pulling the younger man into his arms. "I think you're really, really great."

But Gin couldn't even answer because he's already broken down into sobs again.

He held Gin like that for a while, in the dark, before he spoke again. "Are there any lights in here?"

Gin nodded, once he'd calmed down. "On your left. By the pillow."

Aizen searched for it and found the little switch. He flicked it on, and made all the little fairy lights come on. Aizen looked at them all, smiling.

"Pretty," he said.

"Yeah," Gin agreed, still leaning into his partner's chest. "Real pretty. They remind me of you."

Aizen smiled a little softer. "I was just about to say the same thing," he said, gently squeezing his Gin close. Gin squeezed back after a moment.

"'m sorry I missed dinner," he said softly. "And for... this."

Sousuke just stroked his hair soothingly. "Don't apologise for being sad," he said softly. "You're human, and humans feel. Never apologise for that. Never apologise for the way you feel."

Gin just nodded. Feeling a little safer. Aizen wasn't judging him or telling him to 'smile' or 'cheer up' as if he hadn't thought of those. He was just being here, and that alone helped a lot.

"Just..." sousuke continued. "Let me be here for you when you _are _sad."

Gin nodded, blinking away the tears in his eyes. "I think I can do tha," he said trying a smile.

"Hm. Good." Sousuke kissed him on the head again. "So what do you want to do now?" he asked. "We can talk, or..."

Gin thought for a few moments. "A movie would be nice."

"Alright," Sousuke said. "You get comfy and I'll get it set up."

Gin nodded and did as he was told while Aizen turned on the TV opposite the bed and put in the DVD of one of Gin's favourite films. Some animated thing about a cat repaying something. When the film was in, Aizen climbed back into bed with Gin and pressed 'play' on the remote. And the two of them settled in for the night to watch it, while the little multicoloured, incandescent lights lit up the room in a soft glow of warm light.


End file.
